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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28903428">To Have And To Hold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/szaryherbatnik/pseuds/szaryherbatnik'>szaryherbatnik</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentioned Chrollo, Post-Chairman Election Arc, Relationship Study, Sharing a Bed, Zoldyck Family Dynamics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:09:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28903428</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/szaryherbatnik/pseuds/szaryherbatnik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hisoka visits Illumi in his room but is not exactly welcome.</p><p> </p><p>///this story mentions the events of the Yorknew arc and is happening before chapter 351. Contains major spoilers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Have And To Hold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As Illumi turned off his blow dryer everything around him went quiet again. The Zoldyck estate gave the impression of being empty, and maybe it was. Illumi didn’t care about the presence of his family members at that moment. He got the job done and received approval from Silva. Over a text message.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed a comb earlier set on the washbasin and gently ran it through his hair for a few minutes before setting it back down. He grabbed some strands of his hair and swirled them around his fingers. To his satisfaction, they were soft and thick despite not having any kind of conditioner or mousse used on them. After a week-long mission, he was worried his hair would require special treatment, perhaps a hairdresser even, Illumi felt like a slight bit of weight was lifted off his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steam was slowly disappearing from the mirror and Illumi's face was almost entirely visible. The wet spots on his dark blue robe, which hung loosely on his pale, thin shoulders, were refreshingly cold. He stared into his dark eyes. Maybe it was the fault of the LED light hitting his face from underneath the mirror or he had bags under his eyes. As much as Illumi would love to pretend it was the first option, his eyelids felt heavy and his thoughts felt slower, cloudier. Only one thing was true: he had to go to bed soon. A new mission from his father may be assigned sooner than he wants it to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Illumi exited his bathroom a surprise was waiting for him. An almost 190 centimeters tall and obnoxious surprise with equally annoying hair, so obviously freshly dyed hot pink with purple undertones. Hisoka Morow was sitting cross-legged in the middle of Illumi's queen-sized bed. The only source of light in the room was a lava lamp standing on Illumi's nightstand. It was one of the many purchases Illumi made in the middle of the night because it looked cool, no matter the price. It did look very cool. The orange blobs floating and shifting in the purple liquid illuminated Hisoka's body from behind complementing his attire. Although his face was not visible clearly, Illumi knew there was a wide smile across the magician’s face. There always was. The silence was uncomfortable now. At least for Illumi, he didn't doubt even for a second that Hisoka was enjoying this situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing here." Illumi's voice broke the silence. Taking the fact that he hasn't slept for more than a week now into accountability, his voice sounded confident enough. At least it would for a normal person, and Hisoka was everything but that. Illumi refused to make eye-contact but he knew the magician’s eyes sparkled at that moment. From that single sentence, he knew how exhausted Illumi was, how much he wanted Hisoka to leave him alone. <br/><br/></span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can’t I visit my husband when he comes back from a mission?" Hisoka replied, his smile growing even wider. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right. That was their deal, wasn't it? A month has already passed since their agreement, Illumi was hesitating to call it a marriage whereas Hisoka took every opportunity he could to mention it. Their contract clearly states that Illumi will be the one to kill Hisoka and then take his money and properties. As much as the thought of being murdered by Illumi’s cold, golden pins excited Hisoka, neither of them were in a hurry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi certainly felt a weird sort of fondness towards the magician. A complicated, messy mix of assurance, annoyance, sexual attraction, and probably friendship. While normal people would call these feelings “love”, Illumi was sure this was not what he felt. And despite Hisoka’s confidence and constant flirting, Illumi was positive he also couldn’t call it love. Illumi was also convinced that changing the title of their relationship from “give and take” to “marriage” would trigger an understanding of the feelings that blossomed between them. That assumption turned out to be wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His so-called husband was sitting in front of him, waiting for a response, and Illumi really wanted for him to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>“I’d prefer it if you didn't,” Illumi stated coldly. With his right hand, he turned off the lights in the bathroom and walked over to the side of his bed, hesitating to sit or lay down. Hisoka shifted on the bed to face Illumi who refused to look at his face. “How did you enter my room anyway?”<br/></span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi tried to sound disinterested but this was the first time Hisoka was in his room in the Zoldyck estate without his permission. Security was not a problem for a nen user as strong as Hisoka. Was his zetsu enough to sneak into Illumi’s room, unnoticed by Silva, Kikyo, and Illumi himself? Illumi felt disappointed in himself, for letting his guard down, even if he was so tired he felt he was going to pass, even if the Zoldyck parents were on a night out, even if it was just Hisoka.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I have my ways, you know me…” Hisoka responded. That did not help at all. The thought that Hisoka can appear out of nowhere in Illumi’s bedroom, his private space, made Hisoka even more annoying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not like they never got close with each other. They have visited each other’s houses before, shared a bed, and kissed. They had sex in Hisoka’s house and some other places. But they were never intimate in Illumi’s room, Hisoka never showed up there uninvited. He did try his best to respect the assassin’s boundaries. It did not matter if it was in bed, on missions, or in conversations. Hisoka often gave Illumi control or a sense of it. Something the Zoldyck parents never even attempted. Another feeling that Illumi felt in his heart thanks to the magician- freedom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is always that one scene in sitcoms when a couple exchanges keys to their respective houses. Hisoka definitely did not own the key to Illumi’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi’s phone lit up, it was fully charged. Illumi quickly looked over to see what time it was as if any extra movement would disturb the peace in his room even more. 2:12 a.m. Illumi stared at the picture on his wallpaper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a photo taken a few years ago in Ochima on a family trip. It was a selfie taken by Illumi from a high angle. Hisoka teased him that it looked like a “Facebook mom selfie”. Whatever that meant. Next to Illumi stood Kalluto, with a slight smile and a peace sign. The background was a blurry Killua poking fun at an equally blurry Milluki. Illumi wasn’t smiling in the photo but it brought him a sense of peace when he looked at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back when he was still a teenager Kikyo insisted on having these annual family trips. So many things have changed since that time. Kalluto has joined the Phantom Troupe, perhaps not only to find Illumi but freedom too. Killua was somewhere traveling with Alluka, probably having the time of his life. And Illumi too has changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi felt Hisoka’s gaze on the lock screen. He turned his face to finally meet Hisoka’s eyes. The lava lamp illuminated Hisoka’s features, cheekbones you could cut your hand on, the iconic smirk, hooded golden eyes, and flawless eyeliner. Illumi had to admit that he looked very weird. Eccentric? Creepy? Probably to a lot of people. But that did not stop him from being handsome. Illumi’s face was the one in the shadows now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually…” Hisoka began while changing his sitting position. “I wanted to talk to you about something” He was now supporting his body on his arm and moved his legs to the side. “Regarding you and me…” He started to bounce his foot slightly. “Possibly Chrollo…” His smile grew wider.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi was not going to have this conversation at 2.12 a.m. He wished it was all a dream and wondered which is worse: Hisoka breaking into his house with actual information and plans, or for flirts and teases. Illumi looked away from Hisoka’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>If I listen to him now will he leave earlier? </em>Illumi thought. He looked down at his bed. It lacked soft pillows and warm blankets, adored by the assassin but strictly forbidden by Kikyo. Hisoka’s bed also had pillows. For a slight second Illumi thought that he would much rather rest there than in his own bedroom. After immediately getting the thought out of his head he figured out it’s best not to encourage Hisoka to tease him about being tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still in his robe, he sat down on the edge of the bed, lifted his legs, and scooted to the middle of the bed, mirroring Hisoka’s position. To Hisoka, Illumi’s movement reminded him of a doll, not a robot, a doll was something slightly more gentle, delicate. It was difficult but it suited Illumi’s appearance. Because of his stiff movements, It was hard to tell if he felt comfortable, he rarely changed his behavior. His aura remained strong, even in this state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rarely. Illumi’s behavior changed rarely but sometimes it did. And somehow it was always around Hisoka. And Hisoka cherished these moments, they made his heart race and Illumi always noticed, but could not decide if that fact made him happy or annoyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi looked at Hisoka. That was enough for the magician to know he can start speaking. Still, it surprised him that Illumi “agreed” so quickly, he was hoping for some of their usual sarcastic bickerings. Hisoka sighed quickly and his expression yet again turned into a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… guess who I’m fighting with this Saturday!” Hisoka exclaimed. His eyes shined so brightly. Illumi was not going to guess when the answer was so obvious, so he blinked. “You guessed correctly, Chrollo of course! Finally after all these years…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hisoka kept talking but Illumi didn’t really listen. This was all he needed to know. If Illumi had enough strength: both mental and physical, he would say it was by far the worst of Hisoka’s ideas. Maybe two years ago it would have made more sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>September, Yorknew Auction. The Phantom Troupe has just lost two of its members, Uvogin and Pakunoda. Both were murdered by the chain user, Kurapika, Killua’s friend. It was truly the perfect opportunity to fight Chrollo, in that emotionally vulnerable state. But the plan failed, Illumi figured out from hours of Hisoka’s ranting that it was mainly the chain user’s fault. A prime example of why the infamous “you should not have friends” Zoldyck policy works in most cases. <br/><br/></span>
  <span>But now that two years have passed, Chrollo got his nen ability back. Illumi knew his ability was strong. The ability to steal other people’s nen. He could use it until the previous user’s death. Unlike Hisoka who had no trouble with judging how powerful his opponents were, putting every person he met on a scale from 0 to 100, Illumi didn’t know where to place Chrollo’s ability. There was something so different about it. So different from his pins, Hisoka’s Bungee Gum, or Killua’s Godspeed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never actually met Chrollo but both Hisoka and Kalluto have told him so much about him. Hisoka’s idea of a perfect fight is one that ends in someone’s death. And his chances of survival were low. Illumi was simply being realistic. As much as he hated to admit it, Hisoka’s absence was not ideal to him. Not now at least. Not when the image of being wrapped up in blankets in Hisoka’s apartment was visible so clearly in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh right, the contract. If Hisoka dies, Illumi gets his money. That technically includes his apartment, right? Somehow it did not comfort Illumi in any way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Illumi?” The sound of his name was so sudden.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What.” Hisoka was possibly a few centimeters closer than he was before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your eyes were closed.” They were? Illumi didn’t notice. “Illumi, are you tired?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What a dumb question it was. Of course, Illumi was tired. And it was annoying, not having control over his body, not being able to choose to ignore Hisoka’s ramblings about Chrollo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not tired, you can continue talking.” Illumi stated blinking twice and the smallest shiver went down his body. It did not go unnoticed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both men scolded themselves in their thoughts. Illumi because he showed how tired he was, Hisoka because he didn’t do anything about Illumi’s state earlier. Both of them broke eye contact at the same time, embarrassed because of these two different reasons.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>In one swift motion, Hisoka lifted himself off the bed and stretched his hand out in Illumi’s direction. He spent about twenty minutes talking about how amazing Chrollo is, how excited he is to fight him, and now he wants Illumi to hold his hand? There must have been something wrong with both of them because Illumi put his hand in Hisoka’s and let himself be helped off the bed. It was warm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As much as Hisoka wanted to cherish having Illumi’s hand in his, he let go of it to take the coverlet off Illumi’s bed, after folding it, he tossed it into the nearest corner. Illumi just stood there and thought about how his hand was way colder now. His head perked up slightly as if he had remembered something. He made his way into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Hisoka was left alone silently hoping Illumi didn’t decide to sleep in the bathtub.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully after a minute, the bathroom door swung open revealing Illumi in his pajamas. It consisted of a navy tee with a logo of Seaworld printed on it. It was slightly big on Illumi and it made Hisoka wonder how the assassin acquired such a piece of clothing, hoping it didn’t previously belong to Silva. Illumi’s attire was completed with a pair of red, cotton shorts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can grab something from my closet.” said Illumi and then silently went over to the bed. He wasn’t going to fall asleep just yet. It was simply too cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hisoka admired Illumi’s long, delicate hair, spread behind him on the pillow and then he rushed to the closet. He did not expect he would be able to stay for the night, and he did not expect he would have the chance of wearing something that belonged to Illumi. Hopefully whatever he was doing at that moment was not taking advantage of Illumi’s state. Hisoka observed the wardrobe. All of the clothes were clean, neatly folded, most probably by the Zoldyck family’s servants. He recognized some of the clothing, green and purple jackets decorated with golden pins that imitated Illumi’s needles. Hisoka finally picked out a plain grey tee that seemed oversized, again hoping it was not Silva’s. He decided to sleep in his underwear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After changing and wiping off his makeup, he entered the bedroom again. Illumi’s eyes were closed but Hisoka knew he was not asleep yet. He turned off the lava lamp. He finally sat on the bed and slipped under the covers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>Illumi immediately felt warmer. It was pleasant. His back was turned to Hisoka, both of them on opposite sides of the bed. It wasn’t close enough, it wasn’t warm enough for either of them. Illumi slowly scooted towards the middle, Hisoka took it as a sign and pressed his chest against Illumi’s back. As their breathing synchronized, Illumi finally started to feel the warmth he searched for.<br/></span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them understood what their relationship was but at that moment it did not matter. For a slight second, everything felt so normal and simple. Almost as if they didn’t have a kill count higher than a few hundred. As if no one wanted them dead, as if they were just two married men, perhaps in love with each other more than they will ever realize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi was still tired, but it was the kind of exhaustion that could be cured with sleep, even if it had to be a week long. <em>If I sleep for more than three days I won’t see Hisoka fight Chrollo.</em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you going to fight?” Illumi asked. Hisoka shifted slightly, putting his face closer to Illumi’s hair. The hair mist he used had a wonderful smell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In the Heavens Arena. Since we’re both floor masters now and all…” Hisoka sounded sleepy, ready to doze off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is a horrible idea.” Illumi stated. It was the truth. Perhaps Hisoka also knew this. Chrollo did for sure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so?” Hisoka smiled and he embraced Illumi’s waist with his arm. He used his other hand to run it through Illumi’s hair. Illumi sighed, every time Hisoka paid attention to his hair it felt nice. He placed his hand on top of Hisoka’s and finally closed his eyes. Their hands intertwined again and Illumi brushed Hisoka’s hand with his thumb. He felt Hisoka’s heart skip a beat. “Illumi?”<br/><br/></span>
  <span>Illumi hummed in response, he didn’t open his eyes, his eyelids felt so heavy. He felt as if his muscles were melting. Melting the way chocolate does in one’s mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight.” said Hisoka. He pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Illumi’s head. That gesture was enough to make both of them stop thinking about the upcoming fight. Instead, Illumi was wondering what junk food they should order the next time they’re at Hisoka’s place. Hopefully, his next week will be off. And everything will feel right and simple, just like it does now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight Hisoka.” Illumi responded. He squeezed Hisoka’s hand and they both fell asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time Illumi woke up, Hisoka was gone. Illumi sat up in his bed and looked outside his window. The sky was blue and judging by the position of the sun it was about 4 p.m. In a different part of the estate, Kikyo’s screams could be heard. Illumi scooted over to the side of his bed and grabbed his phone. It was 3:46 p.m. Kalluto was smiling at him from the wallpaper. It was Sunday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunday. Yesterday Hisoka fought with Chrollo. Illumi felt his heart beat faster. What does he even do now? Does he call Hisoka? Should he check the results online? Is there an official Heavens Arena website? Illumi unlocked his phone and clicked on the browser icon. He could hear the blood rushing in his temples, he heard it pounding. He typed the first words that came to mind “Hisoka Chrollo fight” and pressed ‘go’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt all warmth leave him immediately.</span>
</p>
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